As I always like to point out, I never thought type 1 diabetes was going to be a big deal or a shock in my life. Yes, I will have to inject myself but I have never had a problem with injections. And yes, my diet will change but I have always eaten reasonably healthy (as i thought at the time).
However, it has changed EVERYTHING in what I thought was who I am and my life. Since being diagnosed I have lost myself and everything that goes with your identity.
On the weekend I went to my first shindig where I was able to drink. I haven’t touched wine, as hard as it was, since August. It was a awesome night celebrating my friend moving away. Two glasses a wine down and I was feeling drunk (WOOO, Im a cheap drunk again!!). I had one more glass before heading home.
Friends who knew me at university will be very shocked to hear that I had three glasses of wine at went home, rather then my usual bottle of wine, tequila shots and dancing to ‘Take Your Shirt Off’ on the tables at Shenanigans.
I knew the seriousness of drinking with diabetes, and just wanted to ensure I was safe the first time getting back on the bottle. I ate low carb bars throughout my night and kept checking my bloods. I went to sleep and everything was perfect.
About 3am I woke with a splitting headache, freezing cold, and low blood sugar. I ate carbs and crossed my fingers it would go away.
I don’t mean to brag, but I feel I was always the drunken life of the party. If I wasn’t drunk dancing on tables, I was off having heart to hearts with my new best friends, or waking up with some very bad decisions next to me. People grow out of their wild drinking 4 nights a week but they still have the 1 night every couple of nights where they still get wild or know that they can.
As I sat super hungover on Saturday morning from my three glasses I couldn’t help but feel like I have lost that part of me. I’m not the partier anymore, or can be if at the next wedding I’m invited to. If I’m not this girl anymore then who am I?
It’s sad to think that drinking can define us this much, but its so much more then that. I was a socialiser, always at different events and hanging out with friends. These days, even when my partner goes out, I am in bed on a Saturday night with a good book, or finding something that needs cleaning.
Is there something wrong with that? Is it bad that I would rather sit at Black Barn watching Katchafire in the sun compared to getting out of my mind at RnV? Is it bad that I would prefer to go out for Sunday brunch then die in bed all morning?
As I write this blog I realise how silly I sound. Of course sunday brunch is more fun then being really hungover. That doesn’t change your identity or should affect you. So why does it? Its hard to think I am not that person anymore, but I need to like myself more how I am. I feel like I am finally coming into myself, and who I always was. I feel like I was always hiding behind a drunken ‘fun’ mess, where as now I can happily enjoy who I am without being somewhat embarrassed.
Its interesting to have this realisation, is this who I always truly was but for some reason was hiding? I am ready (I think lol) to be this person, who wants to do brunch and yoga on a Sunday morning, and have a afternoon wine and then go home to a nice bath and book. My gut knows this person is who I am and who I want to be, lets just give my brain and overthinking sometime to catch up with it.
Embrace the nana life,